Shadow Boxing

Maybe I should be medicated or something. Nah, not really. Pepto will have to do. I'd hate to have to take a prescription drug for this when all I need is a little courage or at least a little calm. (^_^)

It's just that I am realizing how crippling my fears and anxiety really are. I mean it has always been a part of my life and many other peoples lives. I think that now that I am getting older, gonna be 27 soon, I am drawn to do things that have never been an interest before which only makes sense. People change as the get older and when you're direction is aimed at Christ you are bound to develope interests in certain things over others.

When I was young I would have visions of myself as something so much more than I am. No God or demi-god. No one fameous or wealthy. Just someone who could do what was right and had the ability to accomplish it. Early on that took the youthful image of comicbook heros and the like. Later it developed into the heros of video games and at some point developed into scores of heros of my making. Very few were accomplishable in life and that brought me comfort without my realizing it. These heros of imagination allowed me to live such amazing adventures and feel the role without risking anything at all. Oh the adventures I had. Now at 26, though my imagination is still surprisingly capable of the adventures, I am looking to cross over from imagination to reality. The heros I loved before did not fight for glory or wealth or power. They fought for good and what is more good than Christ? Nothing that I know. In the scriptuers as I read and study I see the development of the faith hall of fame, so to speak, and what was required of these people. They had no superpowers or any special talents. None the less I admire them both Old and New Testement. Disciples and prophets alike. They chose to live by faith in a way that many of us will never know. They have devoted their every heartbeat to the God they love. They have done what is right for rights sake. For your sake and for mine. They are heros if ever a hero was.

Anyway, I'm getting longwinded again so I'll get to the point which is the struggle against the fear. Something that holds us all back. The shadow that creeps in from the corner and never wants to let you go, you day or night. I am just now coming to understand what my fear is. In the light of Christ I can see my shadows, my fears, very clearly. Before when I was without Him I never had to face this. Now without Him I would fall back into an old life consummed by the dark and dominated by my fears...but we are not without Him and I am blessed in that knowledge.

This post is not to share some great revelation as much as to ramble a bit on the subject and to explain that I am wrestling with my own 'shadow' these days. Funny, but when I was just starting out I knew that this and one other thing would be my two great battles, or at least the two largest battles, I would need to face. (The other thing is a battle that has been ongoing for almost 14 years now and is starting to work out a bit.) So in a way I am quite pleased that things have filtered down to a point where I can approach this. Initialy I had told myself that I would do this last as even from a safe distance it's safe to say that a persons fears are a formidable opponent for him/her. Not something I would be in a hurry to get to. To me the fact that I am thinking about it at all means I have come a great distance in my personal life which is pleasing to think. Guess I'll just go buy a case of Pepto-Bismol cause I'm gonna need it.

Lessons in Humility (#071)

I am thankful for the lesson as it was timely and appropriate.

As my bible study approaches its next incarnation without a defined leader or direction I saw it as an opportunity to step into the role and bolster the group for a new direction. Revelations. The group had already been headed in this direction but had stalled out due to the overwhelming nature of revelations. It seemed like all that was needed was someone to walk the group forward. I don't have a ton of background in the book but I felt confident that God would guide as necessary. So over a weeks time I realy assimilated the situation in my mind. It seemed exciting and fun as well as scary.

On my way to the group meeting that night to make the proposition I was struck by a moment of revelation (pun intended), not particulalrly new news, but still. The idea of all the people around me on the highway being essentially equal. Not the same but not inherently greater than the next. Now, as I said, this isn't news to most of us, but sometimes when God wants to get a point across He will make a thought brand new in your head even though you've had the thought scores of times before. I took it to heart and for a brief moment thought it had to do with the coming evening.

That night as I found it hard to step up in both word and confidence I was also at odds with the direction the group was heading, away from my idea and interests once again. I could have pressed the issue but didn't. Something seemed wrong, but I couldn't really figure it out while I clashed spiritually with members of the group. Eventually the group decided on a basic Revelations bible study which, in all honesty will still do the group good.

As we went over the first lesson in the book it became apparent that I had yet again gotten off course even though I was trying to move in a good direction. To put it bluntly, I was so interested nd excited in the in-depth study side that I had lost track of the group and what God seemed to intend for it. Yet another reminder that my plans, no matter how well devised or intended, are quite lacking in comparisson to His. Thankfully, the matter was settled between Him and I only so I did not embarass myself further.

In the end I was thankful for having been scolded so gently and I tryed to take it all in. Not too long ago I had said that I would try things and if it was not to be He would guide me away from them, so He has. Yet again, gently blocking and nudging me along. I'd like to say that a lesson was learned and that I won't quickly lose sight of His intentions again, but only He knows how many times I'll have to smack into this wall before I really learn. Heres to hope though.