School Days (Lots Wife + Jacob)

Its been about a month since I started the first class in seminary. Im loving it though admittedly some of the materials talk over my head. Making things harder to hold onto in addition to being difficult to translate at times. But I am doing my best and the Holy Spirit is certainly lending a hand. I'd be lost without it im sure. Anyway, I have gained so much in the past few weeks that it is spilling out my ears, but today while listening to the lectures I felt an unwanted but obvious connection to Lots Wife. Specifically as Lots family ran from Sodom and she turned back, only to become a pillar of salt. It seems strange to me that I would be urge to see a connection such as this more so than with the others, but the way and the depth the lecturer spoke on her and that moment reached in and smacked me. Like I said...unwanted connection.

Still, a connection it is and I understand why. I recently have been doing a bit of backpeddling on an old issue. It certainly straightened me out to not just passivly notice the connection but instead be so forcefuly directed to it. The lecturer spoke about the reason she was salted and died as to the popular opinion which is that she died because God told her not to and she disobeyed. (Not that such an interperatation isnt true.) Instead he shifted the thought and explained that she had died not because God ran out of mercy for the group, but that she died because she hseitated on letting go of her sife in Sodom. In essense a life of destruction and sin. In that moment she became like one of those still within the city and was counted among them for it. She didn't look back simply to see the destruction of the city. She wanted it back and had the circumstances been different she would have taken it all back in.

A greivious error on her part and one that can easily become ours. Their will come a time when their is no "next time" or "tomorrow" to turn away from our wrongs. To give up our lives to God from the depths of our hearts. Though I do believe that day is on the horrizon, it need not be for the statement to be effective. You could die tomorrow and so can I. Be it my end or the worlds end their will come a day when I can't barter for another.

In addition to Lot's wifes mistakes I am feeling likeness to many other characters of the book of Genesis. Funny in that I have read the book several times and been apart of studies on it, but never have I known the characters so intimatly. The lecturer points out and links so many things I would have never put together on my own which allows the view of the characters to become more clear. Suddenly the characters that I felt vague similarities to I now feel very close to at times. Jacob, brother of Esau, is another whom I feel a certain likeness to as I listen to the speaker. It doesn't supprise me that I see similarities to them it suprises me how much the characters seem to change when looking at them from this more intense perspective.

Be the ball

Ok so the family sport when I was young was skiing. Every year my parents would take me out somewhere, which usually included a week off school, and we would just ski. I loved those times. Then around high school it kind of trailed off. Understandable, I'm not a kid anymore and it is not a cheap venture. But recently I have been golfing and man is it fun. I don't even understand the lingo yet. I hit as many bad shots as I do good ones but the game is so much more than being able to deliver consistant precision and a low score. Granted I'm not keeping score and I've only been out 4 times my entire life, but still I'm enjoying it and it's also something that is family related. It doesn't have to be but so far it has been and probably will be for the most part. In any case I love the game.

I think it's so nice to be out in the (well groomed) lands with the open sky and a small breeze. Listening to the birds and the bugs and the 'plink' of the clubs. The smells of flowers and the occasional cigar. Once today I even knelt down and touched the grass wich was very different than normal grass. Not in texture but in context. (Hard to explain)

It's also nice to have something like the ski situation regarding the family. Though I don't think my Dad is much of a golfer (Volleyball is a more likey candidate there and I love volleyball a bunch as well.), but most of my Moms side is. Generally, I am not considered a family oriented person and I think by now they all know it. Regardless it is nice to be out on the greens laughing and soaking it in. Reminds me of days gone by.

Hard lessons

Ok, so the last two nights I had small group studies and have been given some important insites. Not important insites of scripture but insites about me. Where I was, am, and will need to be.

Lesson One: (Prayer life and taking oporotunities) Group A

Yesterday was the first groups meeting and though both lesson one and two apply, I'll focus one the good things in this paragraph. The group is comprised of very kind people and at the end of the meeting the group leader asked me to help with the closing prayers. O_o "What?"

I was almost knocked over with the request. I shouldn't be but I was. It took me a few seconds to steady myself and he gave me the opporotunity to back out but something was telling me to try. I pray all the time but always in an intimate way. Just me and Him wether in public or at home. Anyway, after saying what I had to say the group leader closed and (knowing that I was unacustomed to it) gave me a thumbs up. The aproval was nice but I didn't need it then. I was on such a high at that point. So excited infact that I thanked him for the chance in a slightly longwinded manner. It must have been an hour before I was calming down. As I did my normal thinking and prayers I decided that I would take advantage of some opporotunities to get involved in volunteer work in the area through another person in the group. I emailed but have not gotten a reply yet.

Last night was one of many turning points for me and the glory belongs to God. However, with every two steps forward their seems to be one step backwards...on to lesson two!

Lesson Two: (The process of unlearning) Group B

So I was at the second group tonight and kind of saw something coming but didn't know what. Should have known it would be this. I have an ego...it's big. I tend to think most people wouldn't know that thanks to other personality traits that I hold, but inside it's there. It grew slowly over years through study and reflection. Through the gaining of insite and wisdom. I admit I knew it was there, but at the time I identified it with confidence and decided it was ok to be assured in what I knew so long as I remember I didn't know everything and didn't let it become a negative obsticle. I should have known better. Generally it doesn't come out but it certainly has reared it ugly head regarding group B.

God's been giving me one very large lesson. The lesson of unlearning the things I have previously taken in. This doesn't necessarily relate to the groups lesson of the night or the topics prior to the lesson. It relates to the people of the group. And how my ego is pushed by how I see them. I am quite ashamed to say this but I am not used to being to low man on the totem pole in studies, not for some time anyway, but in this group I am humbled by some others. I didn't realize it had happened to me untill this group. It's not that I enjoy gloating or looking good, it's just that I dont like the idea that I don't know as much after working so hard. It's sobering to see myself having trouble with remaining humble and not becoming competetive. Two negative traits that I had never had much trouble with growing up. This is not something that better serves Him and I really don't want to be this way.

The good news is I am aware and He is making me jump through hoops to get me back on track. It is not easy but I am glad He cares enough to work on me, to make me better.

Rainbows and Sunbeams

Lately the sky has been one breath taking painting after another. I'm not saying the weathers been nice just that no matter the weather of the moment the sky seems to have an eye pleasing look to it. For instance last week I was driving home and looked up and saw, of all things, a single lonely cloud in a bright blue sky. That itself wasn't enthralling but the fact that their was a rainbow running through the tiny cloud was cool. Especially because it ran "only" through the cloud. It was like the cloud was a canvase itself and the painting was of a vibrant rainbow. On top of that it hadn't rained for almost two days at that point. Strange and cool. Then last night on the way to small group study I saw the most beautifull set of sunrays breaking trough clouds I have seen in a while. So much so I actually thought of pulling over for a while to stare at it. The shading of the clouds was like nothing I remember and the sun rays made it even better. It seems like it has been this way a lot lately. Almost every day.

Then I wonder if it is always like this. Truthfully, had my head not been in the right place (non-literal) I would have missed all of these sightings. Makes me wonder how many other people were so excited about the sky above them. Were any people on the road with me tempted to pull over? Were any of the people walking around town stopping to appreciate the uniqness of a lone rainbow cloud? I dunno. I hope so though.

Heros in 3D

Im sitting here making a wallpaper of an X-man and can't help but be reminded of what's become more and more apparent in the past few years. The super heros look the same; still strong, healthy, and capable. While I am falling off the wagon so to speak. Time is catching up to me now and this is one race I have no hope of winning. Don't get me wrong I have been aware since a young age that I am not imortal or unbreakable. I have no pretenses of staying young for ever. But looking at this timeless picture, one of many which I have gained much from over the years, I can't ignore the subtle yet ever increasing differences between these heros and I. Coming from the childhood I do and the influences of those times it's a bit defeating to see my seperation from what I had hoped for and percieved as a child.

On the other hand these men and women of legend have never saved a life or brought justice into the world through their actions, right? I should feel good that I can bring a small measure of justice or hope to this world or that I could some day help save someones life. Seems solid but its only half true. These creations of imagination and ink have influenced some of the most wonderfull minds and hearts in the world. Not to say many, but a few for sure. The 2 dimensional hero saves nothing but 2 dimensional victims but does so much more for the readers. Instilling values and presenting life instrucion that are above and beyond the average (american) views of honor, appreciation, and conflict. (Not the best set of values/morals but better than average) Though the reader can truly do more in one action than the hero in an eternity of 2 dimensional captions, the reader who grew up on such material becomes both the child and the hero. Feeling a connection to the roles that they use to love.

I suppose after all that thought played out I felt both good and bad. Good that I still retained a bit of the essence of those days and characters as well as the ability to actually have a physical effect on the world. Bad that I am getting so out of shape and still dont have super powers. :)

For the children

So as some of you are aware, I have been having trouble with my neighbor. Not like a feud or anything. But more along the lines of, if not exactly, verbal/emtional abuse within her home. It's been a while since it began and has been doing weekly damage to both the children in the household as well as my self-image. It was one of those moments were someone else might have taken action quicker and I suppose some not at all. I want to be happy that I called for help, but am a bit let down with how long it took me to do so. All that aside, things are in motion now.

On Saturday I called ChildLine and gave them the scoop. They seemed to understand what I was saying and said they would look into it. They didn't have much interest in the recordings I had which is ok I guess as the recordings aren't of great quality. Conveying tone and some bad language, but nothing else. They also mentioned that I should let my landlord know, which I hadn't done yet. It makes sense to tell him, but I hadn't because I didn't want her to be tipped off about my concernes and then hide the problem from child welfare. I wanted them to have the chance to meet up with the situation first. I wanted someone to take a look at the situation who was trained to. Anyway, I called the landlord afterwards and let him in on the happenings. He said that not only has he recieved complaints of the same nature from others in the appartment, but he personaly had been at odds with the situation. It was good to know I was not alone in my concerns and that sometime this week efforts would be made on the childrens behalf. He also mentioned that the family was moving mid-june.

(small sigh of relief)

On a similar and slightly more upbeat note I have sponsored a little Thai girl through Compassion. Compassion is an international child sponsorship program that the church and many others have been supporting for some time. Back at the prayer vigil their was a sign/stand for compassion ministries, which I had wanted to do but never did. It was late then so I didn't bother at that point. Instead I went on with my week and, thank God, remembered to look into it. The website is set up very nicely and gives you the option of chosing who you want to connect to or they can choose for you. Then they tell you how to do it. I ended up sponsoring a girl from Thialand. They say I can write to her and she can write back, but I don't know what to say justy yet. In any case, I need to write something tonight after the bible study and get it on its way.

Dayspring goes live!

WebCam! You heard me , web-cam. I dont have it streaming yet nor do I intend to. With my memory I'd forget and end up broadcasting myself walking around doing something embarrasing. O_o

But seriously, I had gotten it on account of a home security issue in hopes that I could (and now can) set it up on the windowsill closest to the parking lot. This way I can catch anyone who might be attempting to mess with my car at night. Let's just say I'm expecting it in the near future. :/

Anyway, for $20 I got a little cam that has a motion sensor on it and can be set to record only when the sensor is tripped. I suppose most of the cams these days have the feature, but I didn't know about it. Sadly I didn't think about the lack of sunlight at night. =P Thankfully the software allows for changes like brightness, gamma, backlighting, etc.

This new device along with a few others should prove invaluable if the time should come that I have need. Cross your fingers and say a prayer that I don't have need. ;-]

Must Resist

I don't know if I can do it! (deep breath) Ok, so I was surfing the web and thought to check the wizards of the coast site to see if they had any pictures that were new. I like some of the D&D art they have. On their home page they also list the other projects that they have their hands in. One of which is apparently GI Joe. (dramatic pause) GI Joe People!!!

Anyway, I got it in my head to go on ebay and see if they were selling and GI Joes figures. The 3 3/4" ones I grew up with and wished I hadn't gotten rid of not the lame 12" ones. I'm blown away. For 200 bucks I could almost completely rebuild the collection. and I would assume fill in gaps over time.

Now I know what your thinking. To old for toys or can't re-live your childhood. First of all we all have toys, it's just that the type, quality, and reasoning of the toys changes as we grow. Second re-living a childhood requires me to have outgrown such things to begin with, lol. Man I miss sitting and playing with that junk for hours on end. The fun never stopped and (at least in that way) I haven't changed much. Things like that can still entertain me for extended time lengths.

So, as you can see, I am gathering all the will power and grownup logic I can to fight the urge to buy now. I realize I have no time for that stuff now, but the bids run out in 4 hours! Gaaaahh! Must....be....strong.

All your desk are belong to us

I have never been much of a plant guy. No particular reason I suppose, just never got into it. Probly on ac A shame really as green thumbs run in the family. Almost a year ago a co-worker was tossing a plant away and I decided to use a spare pot and get a little piece of the overgrown plant to call my own. It's been a year or more now nad I have two large pots with four plants growing nicely. I don't know what any of them are. But they are nice to have around.

The post title stems from the one pot that is overgrowing both the pot and now the desk. In it are two common office plants which are most likely weeds of some sort. I say that because of how the grow. Everywhere and as fast as possible. At first I thought it was cool, then later I was having fun drapeing the long reaching vines around the desk and monitors. Then I started to get concerned for the safety of the two no-so-quickly growing plants in the pot. So I rescued them to their own lands on the other side of the desk. But I wonder how long it will be before I have to trim this monster. If I don't it will have claimed the desk this time next year. Almost looks like the head of an 80's plant rock star. Vines and leaves just pouring out over the big pot and cascading down all over.

With the sucess this has been I might get some plants for the appartment. It would be nice to have some variation and organics in the rooms there.

Laundry Night

Sitting in the laundry mat last night by myself for once, I was trying to read the first of my school books. It is all about Genesis. Its facts, interperatations, creators, timelines, and various topic packed pages. As the laundry was spinning and I was walking back to a chair to read I noticed a little bug floating just above the floor in my path. (The doors had been left wide open all day and the place had become a bug hangout as the sun had set.) By habit or something I procedded to step on it, but stopped thinking of my own life. Instead I smiled at the little guy and imagined him smiling back at me. (As if he even realized I was there let alone was about to crush him.) After sitting and reading for a few minutes he landed on the floor again at me feet. I said hello to him as if he were my pet dog or something and laughed at myself quietly. He started to move towards me and I wiggled my foot in the air to get his attention. He noticed and changed course accordingly. I again smiled and went back to reading.

Twice after that I saw him amongst others floating and crawling around. (Mosquitos, beetles, moths, flies, etc.) The first time he was crawling around on a nearby carpet which is surrounded by white tile much like a red jungle in the desert. I wondered what he was doing, what he was looking for. Then later I again saw him flying about the ceiling lights. Smacking into it and falling only far enough to get full speed again on the way back up to it.

As I was reading, even though the book didn't make such refferences, I thought of the relationship similarities between God and Man. Rarely do I try to imagine from His perspective like that, putting myslef in His place for the sake of anything. It is not where I belong and makes me feel un-comfortable. But this time I indulged a little and followed out the thoughts. I thought about how he is present and at times shows great mercy and love to us without us even knowing about it. (Not crushing the bug and smile) How at times he redirects us, perhaps without our knowledge, to keep us from going where we aren't supposed to be. (Foot wiglies) How He might sometimes just watch us roam around a "jungle" (non-literal) and wonder what it is we are looking for or trying to accomplish. (Carpet) Even how we can get so attracted to things that we loose site of all else. Working so hard to move up or attain that we destroy ourselves in the process. (Ceiling lights) Moments later I was run out of town by the mosquitoes that were moving in and ended up reading in the car piecefully. (Which is as ripe with ideas and soapbox rants as the rest of this post. ::wink:: )

Also makes me thankful that we were created in His image and not vice versa. Meaning that I (in fact any of us) would be terrible at His job. Something to remember, helps perspective and appreciation.

Eulogy

This may just be the height of strange. (At least until the next post. =P) A while back a friend was talking about what she would say at her parents funeral. And for some reason I thought, "hey, that sounds like fun." Not to write other peoples "eu-gugalies", but to maybe write my own. It makes sence when you think about it. It takes the pressure off of the speaker. It grants insite to who you were. It gives the family/friends left behind a chance to say goodbye assuming you adress the topic in the "eu-gugaly". And it would alow others to speak if they wanted to still. It's a win-win, right? You can say anything you didn't get to before or anything that you couldn't before. You could just say hi to those that ment something to you or say what your life was like. Why not go all out and have jazz playing lightly in the background and serve weird coffees like a coffee house. I don't know, the possibilities are crazy if you plan ahead.

Anyway, I have writen one for myself and I'm itching to share it. I suspect it's cause I know I won't be around for it's unveiling. I won't get to see the tears or the smiles. The realizations and the confusions as people come to understand who you became when they weren't looking. Not that I have many secrets, but I understand how people will gather all info they have on you and essentialy limit who you are to them, based on that knowledge. Like writing your name on a rock and tossing it into a super deep/dark canyon. You know it's going to hit the ground and deliver the message you wrote on it, but you can't be there to see how it's recieved, if at all. I guess it's for the best as it would need to change as I do over time and I don't plan on going today. ^_^

Still it was a unique writing experiance.

Vigil

Saturday night was the churches Prayer Vigil. Something I always enjoy. Something that always ends to soon. I love to go in sometime between 1am and 4am. It is so much different being the only one in the building. I love to sit and read the prayer requests left by those who came in before me. It's special to see what weighs on the hearts of my brothers and sisters. Neat to see the differences in how people speak to God, the different prayer styles each person has. It's cute and hopeful to read the prayers of the young. It's reasuring and promising to read the prayers of the elderly. Some people you know and some you don't, but each one believes in communicating with their saviour. Each one could most likely sit down and site time and again how God moved on behalf of their requests or someone they know. I could. After reading their praises and petitions and spending time speaking on each of their requests, the time comes to write my own. By then I'm almost out of time.

I love it, the whole thing. The only let down is when my time is up. Their is so much to say and so much to hear if you listen.

Prayer is a daily thing and often several times a day, but on these specific nights it seems different. Maybe it's the setting, maybe it's the time of night. Maybe it's the things left behind by the ones who came before, maybe it's the thought of the ones that have yet to come. Truth is, it's all of these things. That night is only different in those ways, for God will hear my words and know what is on my heart as much tonight as he did then. Comforting...

Quote the Raven...?

I am real big on creativity in life and I like art in most forms. However, I haven't been doing much creating in the past several years. Not sure why. I guess life has a way of takiong over when your not looking and replacing the good stuff with other stuff. Thankfully my friends at the Samich forums got me back into some of my old creative habits. (Thanks Guys) Below is the first of several short poems that poured out. I don't know how good it is and is difficult to interperate, but I had a great tiem writing it and I may post more later. (Or maybe make a poetry Blog) Hmmm....

Title: "Re-fracture"

I see with another mans eyes.

The surroundings contain vibrant mysteries.

Hearing words in silence still.

Movement in time or time in movement?

I don’t act in time,

Movement and time escape me.

Values of habit over instinct,

characters over a wire.

Scribing dreams and realities.

A silent movement of the willing,

I...the scream in stillness.

Technology Bleh!

Just when you get technology working something breaks. For me it's usually an OS crash and all I need to do is spend a few hours reformatting. I almost enjoy it at this point. But this weekend was different. Friday brought the demise of not only my favorite mouse (intellimouse 2.0), but also my sub-woofer. (sigh) The mouse had died after many a-year of service and I was very excited to get a new one as mice must have made usful advances inside of 4 years. (or so I thought) So I went and found an intelli-mouse 4.0 which is much the same except it has a niffty tilt-wheel action on the scroll wheel. Whoopeee! I was excited for about 36 minutes. That's the time it took to get it back home and plug it in. It has two major design flaws.

1-The middle mouse button (also known as the scroll wheel) is super stiff. So much so I didnt think it was a button at first. Making it relatively useless.
2-The normal vertical scrolling action is equally useless. I actually have to do a warm up scroll before it realizes im trying to scroll. That is real annoying and in-game it is much worse. Makeing this mouse no-good for gaming and barely capable for regular use.

I tryed to look for a fix online but realized I was up the creek. As if that was not enough I then go to turn on my speakers and, wouldn't you know, I have no bass. THe speakers are working, but not the sub-woofer. Ok, I will not get on my soapbox about the poor quality of computer sub-woofers...I will not get on my soapbox about the creation of crappy mouse craftmanship.

(Deep breath, Goose-Frah-Bah....)

Don't think I'm going to bother getting another sub. Just a good pair of normal speakers this time. =P

An Unstoppable Force

Book Review Time!

Erwin Raphael McManus "An Unstoppable Force: Daring to become the church God had intended."

Wow, I was way impressed by this book. At first I was a little put off by the writers less than humble attitude even though he had been making good points. After the second chapter the attitude changed and left me with nothing but what was intended from him. This guy has many ideas and many of them were new to me. He is a pastor in LA, at a place called Mosaic. He is, at the risk of misrepresenting him, big on reshaping what the current church is. Aiming more at Revolution over Religion. Doing so, of course, without sacrificing anything of importance. Taking a different approach to setting the hearts of the people on fire for Christ. Infusing technology and other cultures (not other beliefs) into a form of artistic, creative, inspiring, and infectious modern worship. If you are like me the discription I just mentioned might not seem appropriate or might seem risky and dangerous. I certainly agree if it every step was not done with prayer, care, and thought. I spent the first half of the book a bit un-nerved by the thought myself. Eventually, after realizing just how it was done, it made much more sence and things that were blurry to me before were more obvious now.

I could go on for quite a while about the specifics, but I'll just say it was worth reading. He has a bunch of other books out but I wont have time soon for tons of fun reading. School starts in 2 weeks.