Hard lessons

Ok, so the last two nights I had small group studies and have been given some important insites. Not important insites of scripture but insites about me. Where I was, am, and will need to be.

Lesson One: (Prayer life and taking oporotunities) Group A

Yesterday was the first groups meeting and though both lesson one and two apply, I'll focus one the good things in this paragraph. The group is comprised of very kind people and at the end of the meeting the group leader asked me to help with the closing prayers. O_o "What?"

I was almost knocked over with the request. I shouldn't be but I was. It took me a few seconds to steady myself and he gave me the opporotunity to back out but something was telling me to try. I pray all the time but always in an intimate way. Just me and Him wether in public or at home. Anyway, after saying what I had to say the group leader closed and (knowing that I was unacustomed to it) gave me a thumbs up. The aproval was nice but I didn't need it then. I was on such a high at that point. So excited infact that I thanked him for the chance in a slightly longwinded manner. It must have been an hour before I was calming down. As I did my normal thinking and prayers I decided that I would take advantage of some opporotunities to get involved in volunteer work in the area through another person in the group. I emailed but have not gotten a reply yet.

Last night was one of many turning points for me and the glory belongs to God. However, with every two steps forward their seems to be one step backwards...on to lesson two!

Lesson Two: (The process of unlearning) Group B

So I was at the second group tonight and kind of saw something coming but didn't know what. Should have known it would be this. I have an ego...it's big. I tend to think most people wouldn't know that thanks to other personality traits that I hold, but inside it's there. It grew slowly over years through study and reflection. Through the gaining of insite and wisdom. I admit I knew it was there, but at the time I identified it with confidence and decided it was ok to be assured in what I knew so long as I remember I didn't know everything and didn't let it become a negative obsticle. I should have known better. Generally it doesn't come out but it certainly has reared it ugly head regarding group B.

God's been giving me one very large lesson. The lesson of unlearning the things I have previously taken in. This doesn't necessarily relate to the groups lesson of the night or the topics prior to the lesson. It relates to the people of the group. And how my ego is pushed by how I see them. I am quite ashamed to say this but I am not used to being to low man on the totem pole in studies, not for some time anyway, but in this group I am humbled by some others. I didn't realize it had happened to me untill this group. It's not that I enjoy gloating or looking good, it's just that I dont like the idea that I don't know as much after working so hard. It's sobering to see myself having trouble with remaining humble and not becoming competetive. Two negative traits that I had never had much trouble with growing up. This is not something that better serves Him and I really don't want to be this way.

The good news is I am aware and He is making me jump through hoops to get me back on track. It is not easy but I am glad He cares enough to work on me, to make me better.