Of dreams and tears (part 1)

Sometimes I wonder what "normal" is. What makes something normal? Is it that it is the middle ground, without extreams, or is it simply whereever the majority stand? I also wonder how often we as a people think about this "majority rules" and how often we as individuals make an effort to see from a non-"normal" perspective. Do you give someone the eyeball when they tell you something you haven't lived yet, something seemingly outrageous? How about when they tell you about something you've already been through? Why the seperation? Should you be so quick to deal out a "no way" or "I really doubt that" when you and I have seen the roles reversed more than once? Why? Shouldn't we have an open mind, be it a discerning one, regardless of the story you are hearing or the person it comes from.

"Ok, Dan what are you getting at?" (^_^) The further I go down this road the stranger life is becoming. An adventure of sorts, full of wonder and peril. From an outside perspective I don't think their is much of interest in my life, but as with you all, their is more underneath than anyone can guess. (A situation no doubt aggravated by my quiet nature. Thank goodness for this site, those with interest have learned more about me in the past year than ever before because of it.) The point I'm reaching is that this story is not going to sound normal and so, as always, read with an open mind. Make your own decisions afterward.

Of late I have not slept well. I wake up nearly as tired as I fall asleep. It's these dreams. Some have purpose and are revealed to me over the course of the day while others are simply chaos. People I know and places I have been collide with people and places I have never seen. Personalities warp and danger lurks. Sometimes I am the person, other times I am a floater, and sometimes I am me. Though "me" in a dream like that is subject to mean anything or anyone. The dreams, though stopping me from sleeping properly, are simply dreams and do not haunt my days for the most part. Most of the time they don't even wake me, but they have gotten worse over the past few months.

"So what. They are just dreams." Ok, now for the weirdness... Twice now in the past few weeks I have woken from my sleep, but not from a dream. Two of the most peacefull nights I have had of late actually, but when I wake I am overcome with fear. Their is no talking myself down and I fail to rationalize it or disasemble it which is impressive for me, imo. It is as if something is after my very core in that moment. Something real and something near. No I dont see anything and no I dont hear anything, not then anyway, but I know its there much in the same way you know when someone is in the room with you without looking. Or in the way you know who is on the phone before you answer it. You just know. Anyway, this "thing" does not intend the best for me and within a matter of seconds I close my eyes and call out. I do not engage whatever it might be. Whether it is simply something within me or something else. I called out to God twice in the past 3 weeks, in the darkness and in utter fear. Within seconds of asking for Him to help me and reassuring myself with His power I was protected. I was able to relax and with a word of praise fall back to sleep.

Now it could be said that it is simply something in my life that is effecting my subconcious. It could be said that I am dreaming horrible things these night but not remembering when I wake. It could be said that I am trembling from the nightmares even though I do not remember haveing them. It could also be said that I am hunted or haunted by something. That what we see is not all their is in this world and that this life as we know it is not the only thing their is. I suppose it depends on where you stand and what you are willing to believe. Make your own choices by all means.

I do not believe this is a simple fight within myself. As I said, "The further I go down this road the stranger life is becomeing." and the more I subject myself to these beliefs the more active some things have become so I doubt this will stop any time soon. It has not gone without effect on me, which is why I mention it, but fear not. The dark is not all their is and it is not as strong as the light regardless of its clout. This weekend (and in a few like it) I was down on strength and in need of help. Much as my friends would try I am not one to take their help easily. No disrespect to them, I love them for trying, but it is not a job for them to do most of the time. This past weekend while I pondered my future of dreams an tears I was blessed with a reminder. On a dark day the clouds broke for a short time revealing two vibrant rainbows, one directly over the other. I had to say thank you quietly while my friend struggled on to raise my spirits. For those of you who do not know, rainbows are a biblical sign from God that acts as a reminder and a promise that He will never flood the world again. (The whole world not part of it.) To those who believe in Him and His promises this simple rainbow can mean so much more if we want. He knew I was week and that I needed help again. He did just that. He reminded me of who I was and who He was.

...and all He had to do was part the sky and use every color in the rainbow to do it.

Mirror mirror...

...what do you see, among the people and amidst the breeze.

I like the phrase "a brave new world". It can mean so much or nothing at all. Someone might hear that phrase and think of a trail blazer or pioneer, either in terms of technology, culture, or simply discovering unknown lands. When I hear it I relate it to my own life. Surprise surprise, right? =P These days creating new technologies is left to those with the ability to do so. Discovering new lands, if it is even possible now, is again left to those who have a heart for it. Personally, my thoughts go to those who dig and search for the unseen. This weekend I had a discussion, a good one, about the unseen and in recent weeks I had a few other similar conversations. Talking and listening to others on the topic of how things connect and work out. How their is something, unseen, that moves in this world. Changing it makeing it work from the smallest bug to the largest revolution. Something that gets people together and on time. Something that creates benefits from a variety of situations which can be seen though often only with our 20/20 hindsight.

In the last conversation we spoke of the darker forces in this world. Those that haunt my steps and probably yours as well. Those evils that help us to fall and tell us we are failures for having fallen. Hopeing we will not get back up this time. As we discussed ways to combat such an enemy we recognized that it is real, though unseen. Then we moved on to how the good forces act and move among us. How, without our understanding and request they have moved to aid us in our quest. Putting the right people together, having the right words said, having one aid another. As we talked about instances (one after another) we recognized its presence there, though unseen. We moved on to speak of prayer. Communing with the good forces. Communing with our God and all that follow in His wake. Mentioning how such a communication line acts as a tangible blessing, though unseen. Sending aid to the pray-er as well as the pray-ees. It was nice to hear and consequently see what the prayer has been doing for my friend and I. It is hard to see such things untill you know someone is actually praying for you. Most of us don't look or wait to see a sigh that the prayer is heard if we don't know it is happening. But when you hear that someone is or has been praying fo you, you can look back and see if/when it effected your life. Perhaps in a small way, perhaps in a larger way. (Sometimes not at all, not every prayer is bound for a timely answer.) I have seen God respond to me in more ways than I can count. Prayers that were answered in one way or another. People who were saved physically, emotionaly, financially, or spiritually.

Anyway, the point was that their are so many things that you and I don't see unless we try. Even then we have to learn how to see them before they become clear. God and Satan, angels and demons, the light and the dark. It brings a smile to my soul to know that someone else sees what I see or when someone comes to realize that the unseen is not imaginary. I'd really like to be more specific about all this, but this is a journal not a essay. (^_^)

So when I hear the term "a brave new world" I have to smile on the inside, whether refering to the new world iteslf or those who venture into it.

A good day...

...for a Monday. (^_^)

A good friend of mine talked to me today about Mary. I think we had spoken before about the topic of Saints, Pope, and Catholisism. He had been given a reminder medalion of Mary from his church to carry with him. He had grabbed an extra and taken it with him for me or at least it ended up with me. I appreciated the thought as I love little reminders like my serenity coin and crosses. On the other hand I must say that it was a touchy situation for me. I understand that many things have branched off from Christs life. Many styles of the faith so-to-speak. Technically, I am a member of the Methodist church though I avoid attaching a denomination to myself while my friend is Catholic.

It was touchy because he asked what I felt about Saint Mary and consequently the Catholic Churches views on saints. (We had this conversation a while back but I don't think he remembered it.) Apparently, he has been hounded by a person who says that Catholics worship Mary if not all the "saints" and that they are not Christian because of this (among other things most likely). Whether I agree or not I an not pleased to hear that people are out there all the time spouting off and laying down judgements on others over ignorance. He of course disagrees with her and is much more willing to accept the grey between the different "styles". More so than I, I think.

Personaly, I have heard the argument this woman makes so many times but I don't think it's true. Most Catholics do not worship Mary or the Saints and in that I do get behind my friend. They are asking for help from her because they think she is an intermediary between Christ and them. Someone who is better than they or capable of helping and guiding. On the other hand I do not agree with the Catholic Churches views of Sainthood or the concept of praying to someone other than Christ regardless of the request, so on that I cannot get behind him.

Sainthood in the Catholic churches view was not ordained by God throughout scripture, not entirely anyway. Yes, saints are real. Infact they are us, those who believe and follow. By no means however are we to go to someone other than Christ. If this were so we would have it in scritpure. We are to go to Christ as the original Christians did, following Christs example and his own words...not necessarily what the leaders of the church say. To me saints are those who truly believed and consequently lived like they believed whether it was recorded for us or not. Many of whom are good examples of a life primarily focused on God, but none are better than human. None have been given authority to mediate after they passed away and none are worthy of his place to hear our needs and praise. By praying to a man or woman we are attempting to give them more authority and power than they actually have. We are also disobeying simple scriptural commands. Sure the church says its ok, but is that enough reason to do it? What does the scripture say about it and what does He really say to you when He speaks to your heart about it.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about it more (then and now) because their is Sooo much more to it, but I can't open that bag of worms without going to the rest of them. Things like Papal Infalibility and many other decisions or man made traditions the Catholic church (and many of the other churches) had created for itself. These things are the tip of the iceburg to me. So, since I didn't want to let it get ugly and I know not everyone is comfortable or able to talk about these differences in "styles" it seemed the better idea to listen and not take a side this time. Perhaps more will come of it in the future.

A notch in time

The song says, "Every day is a bank account and time is our currency. So nobody's rich, nobody's poor, we get 24 hours each." How true those lines really are. It reminds me of opening a book and seeing a timeline sprawled out over the pages. A blank line representing time with the occasional callout to a name or an event and possibly information about it. We each have our own timelines you know. They won't be found in a book when we leave this place. Few would remember even if it were, most likely.

In timelines we are used to seeing the names of kings and leaders, dynasties and cultures, big changes in religions and technologies, but that is not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about our timelines. What does yours look like? From a distance (where you can only see years) what stands out the most? Up close (where you can see the days) how does it play out? Is it something you are proud of or something you feel the need to hide? If you knew somehow that your timeline was going to be seen what whould you do in the coming days? How would your life change?

Time really is our currency. It's universal among nations and cultures. It can't be bought and it cant be changed to suit us, be it our past or our futures we have only the present to work with. So as the song says, "Teach us to count the days. Teach us to make the days count. Lead us in better ways. That somehow our souls forgot. Life means so much."

Chris Rice_Life Means So Much (Click to download/listen)

Lyrics:
Every day is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there's plenty of room for writing in
All we do is believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessing
Fill the page with rhyming verse
Or some random sketching

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Every day is a bank account
And time is our currency
So nobody's rich, nobody's poor
We get 24 hours each
So how are you gonna spend
Will you invest, or squander
Try to get ahead
Or help someone who's under

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Has anybody ever lived who knew the value of a life
And don't you think giving is all
What proves the worth of yours and mine

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much

Every day is a gift you've been given
Make the most of the time every minute you're living

What If...

This week I started listening to WJTL again which is nice. I normally shift_ from genre to genre every few months, besides the usual random genre sampling. The last shift was from hip hop to techno and now back from techno to Christian music. That seems to be the cycle generally. Even then I still listen to all three throughout the year, its just the focus that tends to shift_. Anyway, I am out of the loop as to what is new in the Christian music scene so WJTL is a good place to get reaquainted. Today on the way to work I heard a song by Nichole Nordeman called "What If". I don't have much to say about it as it speaks for itself, but I will say that it moved me to tears and still does. So I wanted to share it as it applies so much to the fights that have been taking place of late, both in and out of me. Hope Nichole doesn't mind. (^_^)

Nichole Nordeman_What If (Click to download/listen)

Lyrics:
What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

(Chours)
But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you findA thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold

(Chours)
You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

If you like this you'll love the ablum "Woven and Spun".

A Side Step...

...directly into the danger.

So of late I have mentioned ever-so-briefly the stuggles taking place in me and those taking place outside myself. Even when they are uplifting or good they seem to carry a troubled undertone. It kills me that I seem to express so much that is negative or neutral. So much that it does not feel balanced anyway, which is quite different than my state of mind these days. A poor portrail as it were. It is also straining me to not talk as freely as I would like in here. At first their were so many backlogged thoughts that never got expressed and so much clogged creativity that my brain was constipated or something. After nearly a full year many of the remembered creativity and ideas are shared and tbh these days are a bit full to be allowing for whimsical creativity. Now my thoughts and posts tend to be about things relevant to what is going on in my life and that leaves me very little wiggle room as anyone who is actualy a part of my life is likely to know about this place, if not actually come and visit it. It makes the process very difficult on some fronts. I have to be careful what I say...good and bad.

At any rate I'll keep plugging away.

So in summary...

Obviously the writers block has not gone away yet, but I am still trying. I've written a dozen things but they just haven't come out very well. So, here's an update at the very least.

Christmas
This was one of the better Christmases in years I think. Their were some interesting ups and downs. Things that were normally down were up and things that were traditionaly up took a spill, but the overall was good. Often times I dread that day above most. I love my family(s) and I love Christmas, but I don't like how Chirstmas day usually plays out. It just isn't comfortable to me. Or so it had been. This year though I felt surprisingly comfortable with how things went. The only things that was hard about the day was not haveing the money to buy everyone gifts as I had grown accustomed to doing throughout the past nine years, but their was no way to do so as the end quarter of 2005 was a financial mess. (I'm fine, don't freak out on me.) In the end it almost felt good to not have to buy and trade presents with everyone. Felt like I, for once, hadn't given into the "holiday effect" if only because I was close to broke. =P I was able to relax a bit and enjoy the ambience of the day.

New Years
New years was spent as many before it. As a gamer would. Hanging out with friends in front of a glowing screen...sober and stuffed with cookies...laughing and passing the time. Which is all New Years really is, passing time. I understand the concept of celebrating the start of a new year and for those that do party the night away I am happy they can. Personally though, it is like celebrating a birthday, its no different than tomorrow or the next day. A day that is coming until it is here and then it is gone. Just more time. It's hard for me to see a difference.

*Branch Thought*
Similarly, I find it a bit strange that poeple would continue the tradition of the new years resolution. What happened to the other 364 days in the year? (^_^) Some people take it seriously enough and make an effort to do something, to change, but why that day and over the rest. Others almost treat it as a way to validate their poor efforts to better themselves. I don't really understand that either. Perhaps I take it too seriously, but growing and bettering myslef is a priority and their's plenty of work to be done on that front. So was your 2005 as good as it could have been? Could you have made it better than it was? Was it worth doing, whatever it was you did I mean? If so are you going to stay the course and if not are you going to change it this year? I hope your year was more good than bad. I hope your year provided growth and good change. I hope it was worth remembering. Mine was probably the best yet in terms of change and growth, but also one of the most difficult. This year (2006) though will be better...and worse in the same regards.

The challenge
For those of you who don't know I took part in a contest on some forums that ended on the 31st of December. We were given a photograph (portrait) of a young woman and we had to come up with a vector work of some kind from it. The turn out for the contest was impressive but the work done for the contest was far more so. At first I thought..."hey, I have a chance here"...and then others started posting their work. Yikes, these people have crazy amounts of talent in vector art. Some of the contest submissions were almost like the original they were done so well. Others had some creativity melded into the portrait. Anyway, I lost in terms of the contest, but I can say I learned some valuable lessons such as when vectoring in Flash ALWAYS keep a backup of the line work. (Disaster struck a few weeks before the deadline x.X) Also, I was able to do the linework in Flash as opposed to AutoCAD like all my previous work had been done. The result was that the linework was smooth and graceful compared to the edgy and blocky lines I got from CAD. However it took 3 times as long to do.

The original photograph

My contest submission

A new challenge
Not long after the Vector challenge was over I was talking to a good friend who is interested in a collaberation effort with me for another contest. This is not a normal one for me, but I am excited as it requiers me to pick up my pen, pencil, and paper. My friend has a great idea for the contest but needed a drawing to work with. Hopefully, I will not be as rusty as I think I am. Their was a time when I could draw quite well if I took my time, but that was many moons ago. Drawing by hand is something I loved so much growing up, but at the time I didn't have the interest in the arts like now. It was more just a natural things than an interest. A shame, I think, that I failed to continue the practice. Anyway, I need to draw an open ancient looking fairytale book. In my mind are two very complete and beautful images of what I am going for, but we'll see just how much the end work matches them.

School and School-like things
Ok, so school has been dead in the water so-to-speak for some time now, but I made contact with my advisor to find out why my next class hasn't started yet and should hear back soon. Apparently I am not the only one who has slipped through the cracks. I recived a letter from the new president over at Trinity which led me to believe that the internal politics and communication system had been a bit broken down lately. He stated that this was going to change rather aggressivly which is good. Hopefuly this means that I'll get a responce in the next week or so. Not to worry though, in the interim between class and class, I have learned so very much. Meeting many people of many beliefs lately has led me to suck in tons of information about their backgrounds. Things I should have been familiar with but wasn't. To be honest, a great deal of the info has already been forgotten, but I still have the source material I had gotten it from so that's ok. It will be there if I need it. =P

*Branch Thought*
It is good to know what else is in the world (in terms of beliefs) and to understand why other people believe what they do I think. The more I understand the more I can handle what I hear. (The more sensitive and respectful I can be in the matter.) I find that those Christians who have either no or very limited understanding of why others believe what they do normally have a greater intolerance and insensitivity to the beliefs. Consequently, though perhaps without trying, they can be rather disrespectful towards the people they should be appealing to. I'm not saying that I accept and/or assimilate those beliefs as I am required not to, but it should go without saying that we should be loving as God loved us. Understanding that, for many of us, their was a time when we simply didn't know one belief from another and accepting that each person needs to make their own choice in the matter. I was not forced into this belief and neither should they just because I hold some form of hostility towards their non-belief. Love them as God loved me, even when I made what turned out to be the wrong choices. Besides, having different beliefs or traditions doesn't mean that the person is less human does it. Time, space, philosophy, and culture do not seperate people from each other as much as we think.

God Bless,
-Day