Pressure Mark

Self-Inflicted Retrospection: A longwinded post.

Since it's a new year now I look back over the more than 265 posts made to this blog. I notice how distinct the change was from the first 5 posts to the last 5 posts; how my perspective has changed early on. How my writing has changed and how I have changed.

The very first posts were light hearted, almost whimsical, takes on my world. I was serious about what I wrote and on occasion dug deep, but I compare it to now and the difference is staggering to me. I wondered what the difference is and it seems to be the filter I see the world through and my foundations which have certainly changed; that place I stand on to make decisions and gain insight.

Posts now are much less creative than they were as I tend to utilize my creativity less these days, but my analytical skills have grown by leaps and bounds. I suppose that in a glance this is the difference between then and now. Don't get me wrong, the creativity has not gone missing, but that just isn't as important as the other things on my mind.

The progressively heavy nature of posts over time reminds me of a book I read a while back. It was called "The Barbarian Way" and in it was a spot to talk about how God changes us. Specifically the changes that we take to be negative. Things like a hightened passion, being burned out from service, or at times coming across to others as quite insane.

One of those mentioned was John the Baptist, who is often portrayed as wearing animal skins, living alone in the woods, and eating bugs. At the same time he was alive for God in a huge way! The author considered what that person would look like today and ended up comparing it to a homeless man in the city who walks around talking while looking up in the sky. A person who is seen as merely a shell of a man, but who may very well be chasing after the heart of God in a powerful way; having given up much (even a bit of sanity) to be nearer to God. The author made many good points here that I can't make now, but all this has a ring of truth to it. Believers who chase after more and more are sometimes burned out and at times seen as crazy or obsessed by their faith.

Now, I am not crazy (I think), but I have a tendency to do things in faith that others consider strange. I am not obsessed in the creepy violent sense, but determination and desire do breed obsession so maybe it fair to say that I am obsessed. I am not "always on" with my faith, but I am on more often than not; having driven myself to exhaustion more than a couple times already. So looking back I may mourn for the loss of the whimsical, but I would not change it back. These are the things God has done in me; driving me to learn, to mature, and to press against the walls once built (with my own hands) to keep me safe. It would do good to remain rounded here and I bet more fun to read, adding creativity and comical thoughts, but this is not where I have been directed. Still, I'll take some time and exercise the creativity muscle soon.