In The Eye

Hello. Welcome to the disaster. It is very much like a tornado or hurricane really and maybe that metaphor relates to everyone’s life at some point. It is calm at the center, but the center seems to keep moving. It takes a lot of energy, a lot of focus, to keep up with the storms movement. If I don't try I start to fall behind and I am wounded by it when it overtakes me. I was wounded by it often over the years, most recently last Sunday, when it left me broken and devastated more than it had in a long time. The kind of brokenness that leads to drawn curtains, moody music, flowing tears, and great poetry. Interesting how quickly life shifts on us, how erratic the storm seems to move. Just last Saturday I was at peace and so happy in the moments that passed. Then Sunday comes and I am left here on the floor clearing my eyes, trying to look for the next direction to move. And the direction will come, but the storm is tricky and I will have to be sharp (attentive) to pick up on it in good time. I'd rather that than get overtaken again. I miss the eye of the storm, it's safety and comfort, but it's unrealistic to think we won't get hurt in life. It would be equally unrealistic to think that we shouldn't get up and try again after getting hurt though, so I shall.

So anyway, I'm all kinds of useless right at the moment. I can't find the strength to focus or maintain motivation for long. I want to draw, read, get back to school work, and adventure outside a little, but I can't get off the couch. Not for long anyway. Yesterday (while I was running an errand) I saw another amazing cloud ribbon and a cloud with a rainbow in it, like the one I saw many months ago. On top of that sight it seemed like many of the clouds had been wind-ripped and it left them looking much like wings or flowing white gowns. In times like these when I'm such a mess it's nice to see such uplifting beauty in the world. It counters my emo. I gave a bit of effort to get a picture (driving around looking for a good spot), but it didn't pan out. So that moment is only for my memory now, that memory and so many more stored up in my heart. The heart IS mans most powerful and least utilized gift from God. Even though it is so great a blessing it can be equally great a weakness. Certainly is a fragile thing when we take it out to use it and use it we should. Regardless of the risk. If you're going through a similar time in your life I hope you won't (haven't) package and lock away your heart on account of the wound. Though most of us have done so in the past, recoiled from a wound and never truly recovered, I hope we can overcome that scar as well in time. Have hope reader.